Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Elephant In the Room… Er… Cyberspace?

Facebook. Relationships. Ugh. I can’t be the only one annoyed. With the exception of those that actively participate in this grotesque public display of affection, I think it’s safe to say that everyone is bothered. I’m fairly certain that even people involved in relationships are offended by the “I’m laying next to you” wall posts. I get it, Boyfriend/Girlfriend love each other, Boyfriend/Girlfriend are physically with each other, they made that clear when Boyfriend/Girlfriend edited their profile stating that Boyfriend/Girlfriend is “In a relationship with ____.” But I don’t need to know when penetration is about to ensue. Really. I don’t.

Generally speaking, the world does not care that boyfriend/girlfriend is in the other room and boyfriend/girlfriend misses them. This is not normal. Not in any light. This is not the movie Pretty Woman. Boyfriend is not Richard Gere announcing to the world he loves Girlfriend and rescuing Girlfriend from the whorehouse she lives in. Grand romantic gestures are for the movies and not in any way shape or form appropriate for Facebook. No one cares how much Girlfriend “loves, loves, loves him!” Only Girlfriend’s scorned Ex does, whose heart breaks a little more each time Ex stalks her. I do not think these public displays of affection make Boyfriend/Girlfriend look like they are in a loving happy relationship. I think it makes Boyfriend/Girlfriend look annoying and insecure.

From my observations, there are two types of couples who participate in this awful custom. First, I am going to give a few people the benefit of the doubt by saying 10% of couples are actually in happy, loving relationships and genuinely can’t help their blissful outbursts of love and affection for their other half. By no means do I think this is normal nor am I any less annoyed, but who’s to say my cynicism is normal.

The second, and overwhelmingly larger portion of the percentage pie would be couples in dysfunctional and/or insecure relationships. These would be two people who don’t trust each other for one reason or another. Or, again giving these sorry couples the benefit of the doubt, people who don’t trust other people not to steal away their significant other. Women that are worried their boyfriend may be dating other women, even if they may not be. But these women are so insecure that they want coveting other women to know “I’m sitting next to the greatest guy in the world!”

Other types of over the top, loving Facebook relationships are men who are cheating, but want to ensure their girlfriend never even speculates the infidelity. In morning I wake up to “Babe, you’re the best girlfriend in the world” on my newsfeed. And I think to myself, “I’m sure she is because last night I saw you out dry humping a Coors Light girl at the Saloon just before going home to your unknowing live-in girlfriend.”

The worst type of Facebook couples, are those that break up and get back together weekly. These types need to save themselves the embarrassment and not show the entire world how fucked up and dysfunctional their relationship is! I imagine behind closed doors, these relationships resemble Sam and Ron from the classy show The Jersey Shore. This is not to say that I haven’t also been in that kind of relationship. However, I was just smart enough not to put myself on blast on Facebook.

It would be easy for an insecure person in one of the above mentioned relationships to assume that I am jealous or alone. However, that is not the case. I have been in good relationships. I just like to keep my affection private. As intimacy is defined as “the state of being intimate or : something of a personal or private nature.” Private being the key word here.

While I also realize people may not want to hear about my relationships (or lack thereof), those people simply don’t have to click on my blog. But I have to unwillingly see every aspect of these relationships on my newsfeed. The desperate attempts to make oneself look happy make me want to de-friend these couples, on Facebook, and in real life.