Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Why Elementary School Dating Is Better Than Whatever The Hell I Am Doing


People say we get smarter as we get older. But do we really? Well, yes we do continue on to higher education and our knowledge supposedly grows. Yet my knowledge of men seems to exceedingly decrease the older I get. That fact, combined with my cynicism, makes dating a lot like my relationship with long division in elementary school. Tedious, stressful and no matter how many different numbers I tried, the answer never met my expectation.

This notion got me thinking that maybe my knowledge of math was not so great back then, but my relationships were? I started thinking of all the ways “dating” first through fourth grade was somewhat similar to what I’m experiencing now and the ways in which it is far better than whatever the hell I am doing now…

1. In first grade, I “dated” Dom. He was the cutest boy in my class. Coincidently, he was also the most misbehaved boy in class. We ended up dating after he passed me a note that said, “I like you, do you like me? Circle Yes or No.” Shortly after circling “Yes”, he lifted up my dress in class and somehow blamed it on me. Not so coincidently, he was also the same boy that told me Santa Claus didn’t exist and explained, in detail, what sex was.

SIMILAR: Women often like bad boys who treat them poorly.
BETTER: He was very upfront about his feelings.

2. In second grade, I “dated” James. He was in 4th grade (go me!) and the lunchtime patrol who sat at the end of my table.

SIMILAR: Women more often than not date men that are convenient, geographically speaking.
BETTER: He was a man of power.

3. In third grade, I “dated” Bill. He sat in the back of Ms. Schwartz’s classroom with me. He wasn’t that great to look at, but he was far better than any of the other characters in my class. Plus he was smart and often did my homework for me because we both knew I was out of his league.

SIMILAR: Women settle for men that don’t meet their standards because they have no other options.
BETTER: He did nice things for me.

4. In fourth grade, I “dated” Dom, again. He grew more attractive the older we got and continued to do so through middle school. We ended up going steady for several years until I ditched him for his best friend in sixth grade when I realized Dom was still an asshole.

SIMILAR: Women often recycle men. We always think we can change men, but we can’t.
BETTER: He introduced me to his best friend who was sweet, loving and to this day one of my best friends.

The only downfall I really see to elementary school dating is that we have not yet hit puberty, thus we cannot yet have sex. But sex complicates things even further anyways, right? And I don’t think I would want to go back to middle school dating. At that time, we’re pushing for sexual maturity and between the pimples, periods and pre-pubescent boys, it was actually much more stressful than dating as an adult.