Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Guy's Girl


It’s a Monday night. NCAA Championship. Popular sports bars everywhere are packed. Friends and frenemies rooting for their favorite team fill my Facebook newsfeed. It could be any sport, but Monday, it’s basketball and the NCAA Championship. Elevated testosterone levels fill the bar so much that I get a contact high just by entering the front door. Everyone is decked out in their favorite team jersey.

Amidst the ocean of two tone colors, I can spot her instantly. I don’t necessarily spot her face, but I can hear her spewing out player stats she learned from the board game Trivia Pursuit. She used to be a rare breed, but lately it seems her class has reproduced. She’s one of the most annoying of my species- the guy’s girl.

Guy's girl is at the corner bar with a group of overly masculine men being overly expressive. The kind of girl that "filled out" a basketball bracket yet never wrote a damn word herself on it. Most likely, she took it home to her brothers and had them help her so that she looked like a knowledgeable sports fan. She's the chick that screams, "come on!" and flails her arms obnoxiously when a team messes up on an insignificant play. You're right "come on!" you're blocking my view of the hot bartender that makes sitting here, watching the most boring sport on earth, bearable.

I don't know it it's my keen eye alone or if others also recognize this kind of girl. I often think men are blind to it. They'll high five her when the team scores while I am staring at my empty glass, trying to get a bartenders attention during all the commotion. She'll again rattle off some trivia related to the player in question that even I have to roll my eyes at.

I am fully aware that there are a few select women who genuinely enjoy sports. However, this is not the majority. The guy's girl may be swearing and hollering in the bar that the referee needs glasses. But when no one is around to see her, you can bet your fucking bottom she is not watching ESPN while training at Level 1 on the elliptical, but E! Entertainment Television.

I am all for sporting events. I am basically all for any events that involve socializing and/or being able to smoke and drink during the day with no judgment. I will attend Pittsburgh sports events, watch the game at the bar in my black and yellow and tailgate as much as the next person. However, I will NOT act like I have any clue when I am talking about and/or watching.

I am also all for gay, lesbians, bis, etc. However, I like clear well defined roles and labels. Male/female, man/woman, masculine/feminine. Did I want to fit in with my brothers as a child? Yes. But that ended when G.I. Joe blew off my Barbie's head. Do I have some masculine qualities? Yes. But my acquired taste for Jack Daniels and playing Mario Cart when I was stoned in college doesn't really quantify me as uber macho.

Do men actually enjoy this kind of girl? Or am I the only one that can see through the testosterone filled smog? Is having a guy's girl as a girlfriend the ultimate goal? Spending Friday nights in eating KFC and chugging bud heavies while the game is on? If that’s the case, my boyfriend will NEVER be happy. Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather cater an event for my man and his friends than actually participate in it with them. In the past I assumed men liked it that way. I don't ask my man to get manicures and pedicures with me because if I wanted to date another woman, I would just go ahead and head straight for Gay Town. But maybe I was wrong in assuming.

As I sit at the bar, perusing Facebook on my phone out of boredom, I chuckle with disgust at the "Go Uconn!" posts from women who likely don't know what state the team is from. Hater? Maybe. But we all judge.