Thursday, April 28, 2011

A Number By Any Other Name Is Still Just A Number

There always comes a point in almost every relationship when two partners have "the talk." You never know when that pivotal conversation will pop up, but it almost always inevitably does. It may be on your first date (inappropriate), it may be on your 5th date (the we're really making an effort to get to know one another before we sleep together date), it may be when the two of you are walking hand in hand down the street and run into an attractive woman he knows and introduces as an old friend, or it may happen post-coital, when the two of you are cuddled up. You’re resting your head on his chest while drawing circles with your finger on his abs when your partner coyly says, "What’s your number?"

At this point in time, I'm making the assumption that your sex partner knows your phone number. So for those of you that for some reason or another have blissfully skipped this conversation in life, "your number" refers to the number of people you have slept with and it’s a very important number to know, or so says the majority of society.

With the exception of your sexual partner previously working in the porn industry and or the present possibility of an STD, THIS IS THE MOST IRRELEVANT CONVERSATION TWO PEOPLE CAN HAVE. There I said it. I may have offended some, but there are several observations that have led me to this conclusion.

For starters, both parties lie. Generally speaking, men give a higher number. Personally, I would rather be with a guy who was not a huge man-whore in their past. And I would venture to guess that most women feel this way. But boys will be boys and the higher their number, the higher their gym cred? I’m sure the reasons for increasing the number of women men have slept with has much to do with their friends and appearing masculine to them. But, moreover, men lie to women about their number because the higher the number, the more experienced they assume they appear to be and further, the more attractive to women they will seem.

As if any self respecting woman is going to proudly say to her girlfriends, “My boyfriend is a dreamboat and has slept with over 50 women. You know he must really be good at what he does.” Um no, the fact that you have slept with that many women only makes me think that A.) you go through women so fast because they break up with you after feeling unsatisfied or B.) you are a pig with an outrageous number and there must be some underlying low self esteem issue that I really don’t feel like dealing with after I get up and get dressed.

Women also lie, but for the reverse reason. Most women I know decrease their number substantially. Again, I feel this is for two reasons. A.) they do have some underlying self esteem issue that they feel slutty for sleeping with the actual amount of people they have or B.) they want to appear virginal and innocent to their new bed mate, fulfilling the roles that have been set for them as “ladies.” However, men are not as dumb as I write them to be on this blog. I’m fairly certain that if you’re reverse cowgirl on a first date, the man is going to know this is not your first rodeo honey.

Both men and women typically want to know their partner’s number because they think that the number says something about the person they are lying next to. Unless the number is 1 or some extreme number in the opposite direction, such as 100, it doesn’t. Unless this conversation is coming up in high school, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore. With an increase in age, so comes an increase in number. This is reasonable and if some people would like to blind themselves to this fact and play virgin, so be it. So you slept with ten people and not five, so what? Does that extra five bed mates make her a slut? Does it make him seem like he knows what he’s doing? I think not. NEWSFLASH: Men, just because you have slept with more women does not make you a better lover. Woman #1 can fake it just as well as Woman #10. And women, sleeping with more than your high school sweetheart does not make you a slut. Stop succumbing to society’s bullshit expectations.

The last and most awful misconception regarding the knowledge of your partner’s number is that most people believe that the more you know about the other person, the closer and more in love you are. Like if you know that your partner’s favorite cereal as a child was Fruity Pebbles, you are so much more in love than the couple that doesn’t. No, knowing morning sugar stats does not a relationship make. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. Like that time you had the wildest, most wonderful sex of your life with an ex girlfriend, yes I don’t want to hear about that either. From now on, assume your man’s ex was Jenna Jameson and move on from there.

Regardless of who you have been with before and who you may or may not be with after, it doesn’t matter. If you’re a bit on the slutty side, I’m going to know by knowing you, not by knowing your number. What matters is that you’re lying with me at that moment and whether or not I enjoyed it. A number is just a number and regardless of whether or not you’re lying, I am not na├»ve enough to believe that I am your first, but maybe one day I will want to be someone’s last.

Editor's Note: I have disengaged myself from this conversation, and I suggest you do the same. It more often than not ruins relationships.