Tuesday, May 17, 2011

5 Things You Should Know Before You Consider Dating Me


1. I am grossly close with my mother. I tell my her everything. And it will get annoying. Hell, I get annoyed. Those times I experimented with hallucinogenics? She knows. That time you cried during sex? She knows. Your ex girlfriend that I hate? She'll hate her too. We'll talk 9 times a day on the phone but when I go over my parent's house on Sundays (which we will do EVERY Sunday), you'll want her in your corner when faced with my brothers and father. So embrace her. Embrace the annoyance. When we leave and my entire family is trash talking what you look like, what you were wearing and your job, she'll be the one rooting for you.

And just an FYI- heaven forbid something happens to my father and my mother is left alone, she's moving in with us. Problem? You know where the door is, so beat it.

2. I am not cool. Looking for a bar star babe that knows everyone and hangs out at the most happening club, yea she's not me. If I'm not working, writing, working out or getting wrecked, I'm at home reading or watching something educational. I genuinely don't know why this is. I guess I just like learning. About anything. I saw every new episode of Star Wars at midnight when they came out. I don't have cable. I would rather go to the Pink Floyd laser show then go out clubbing. I have an odd obsession with Egypt. My mind is filled with useless historical information. Obviously my reputation doesn't mean shit to me. I'm a nerd. I embrace it. And if we're dating, you should too. Don't try and change me.

3. I am flakey. I am actually the flakiest person I know. To the point that I annoy myself. But I can't help it. I change my mind at the drop of a hat. I will change my mind over and over and over again. Not just about what my favorite restaurant is or where I want to go tonight. But major life plans too. I went to college as a Biology major and left with a Creative Writing degree. I wanted to study abroad, then I moved home. I find something I really love or that I really want to do and I just become consumed by it. Until I get bored or find something better. It's just what I do. On the plus side, I'm obviously super spontaneous. So that's fun, right?

4. Without a doubt, an ex will come up during our relationship. This happens in every relationship right? Yes. But with me, it's worse. I have a habit of recycling. Alot. What can I say? I don't like starting from scratch with people. It's too tedious. One or two will unquestionably appear from thin air while we're dating causing us to argue. And it's typically do or die. Said ex will make me pick him or you. Embrace the other four quirks of my personality and you're sure to have a better chance.

5. Grand romantic gestures are for the movies, not for me. Not to sound like a knock off Carrie Bradshaw, but too much romance makes me sick to my stomach and frequently gives me second hand embarrassment. Obnoxious displays of flora sent to my office are not going to make me putty in your hands, but cold and extremely pissed off that you publicized our relationship. A nice, thoughtful post-it on my planner is acceptable.

I don't know if I'm too smart for all the mushy stuff or just jaded, but I don't like it. Though I blog about my failed relationships very publically, I like to keep my successful private life... well, private. To me a relationship is what two people have, not what others think you have. If you go out of your way to surprise me at home with dinner and jewelry, I'm going to think you did something wrong that I don't know about. Relationships should be easy and neither party should have to prove their affection. Putting up with the above flaws is romance enough for me :)


*** Inspired by an essay on Thought Catalog. While tone gets lost in translation via text, this is obviously to be taken lightly.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Why Are All the Pretty Ones Crazy?


Dean: In my experience, the prettier a girl is, the more nuts she is, which makes you insane.
Cindy: I like how you can compliment and insult somebody at the same time, in equal measure. ~Blue Valentine

Boy meets girl. Attractive girl appears to be shy, quiet and sane. Boy falls for girl. Girl and Boy become in a relationship. Girl keys boy's car for seemingly no reason at all. Boy calls girl crazy and still continues to date her. Girl and Boy break up and she is forever called crazy.

While discussing and dissecting women with a good male friend of mine, he referred to a potential prospect as attractive yet crazy. At that point in the conversation it dawned on me, most of his past lovers fall under that same category. Unfortunately, myself included. But why is that? Why does it seem that all the pretty ones are crazy? Or moreover, why do a lot of the pretty girls act crazy?

Generally speaking, most women I know have been called crazy at some point or another, warranted or not . And for the most part, this will make even a sane woman act insane. So for argument's sake, I am leaving those women out of this conversation and just discussing the tried and true crazy. Beautiful women who will publically flip out, key your car and stick their foot through your flat screen.

After some observation and discussion, I have only come up with two possible reasons that attractive women act this way, when they could so easily get more men if they didn't.

1. Because they can. It’s plain and simple. Pretty girls act crazy because they can. Because regardless of whether or not one man is going to be turned off by it and create a bad reputation for the girl in question, other men will still willingly date the crazy girl.

Why would someone want to act that way you ask? But I don't think it’s a question of why women want to act this way, but more so, why do they act this way.

With the exception of the ugly duckling transformed into swan after high school and the discovery of skin products and a flat iron, most attractive women have been attractive since puberty. Some even since birth. As such, these same women have been getting attention from most men since the ripe age of 13. Consequently, these attractive females have felt entitled, desired and in control since 13.

Age 13: Homework not done? Go to the biggest geek in the classroom and ask to copy his, he'll let you.

Age 15: Can't get your mom to drive you to the movies? Ask an upperclassman with a car to drive 45 minutes out of his way to pick you up.

Age 17: Speeding ticket? Flirt while showing a little shoulder to the cop and he's sure to let you off with a warning.

Age 19: Missed an English assignment in ENG 101? Talk to the male grad student instructor after class and he'll be sure to help you work something out.

Age 23: Late on a deadline at work? Talk to your male boss and he won't even act mildly disappointed.

And so goes the burden of beauty. How does being a con artist make a woman crazy you ask? Because they have been getting their way with men since birth. As soon as boy says no, or does something that girl does not like, she's going to lose her marbles. After years of never being told no, the woman in question does not know how to handle rejection. This is not how it works! She may think.

Does this make it right? Of course not. Is this justification for publically embarrassing you at dinner? Absolutely not. But you'll continue putting up with her crazy until you realize the lack of sanity trumps her beauty.

2. Which brings me to reason number two pretty girls act crazy. Men dating attractive women sometimes turn her insane for a variety of reasons. A good girlfriend of mine recently brought up a good point. When a couple is walking down the street and other men acknowledge that women's beauty, the man is proud and insecure at once. While this is more of a generalization from my personal experience, I'll say it, because what the hell, it's my blog. Men try to control attractive women more often than they do unattractive women.

Some men are so intimidated by an attractive woman, even if she's theirs, that they will be overly protective and or act out to prove they are the one to be desired. Men may or may not talk down to girl to prove their masculinity. They may or may not cheat which can drive any beautiful sane girl crazy. I found you in my bed with another woman, so I put my foot through your new flat screen? To me, that's not crazy, that's deserved. But I can see how the label develops.

While most pretty girls inevitably get their act together and realize that A) Life is not always going to go your way regardless of how perky your boobs are and B) Controlling cheating men don't deserve to see your self destruction; some attractive women never grow out of this. She's the girlfriend who gets jealous of her boyfriend's female co-worker, the wife who publically fights with her husband and the women who claim to not be crazy but spend their time obsessing over other used-to be crazy pretty girls.

So what does all this mean? Who knows? Just some observations from one used to be crazy girl. Men will continue to date the crazy pretty ones. Men will continue to call them crazy. But sometimes, the crazy pretty girl will grow up and realize none of it matters.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Sleeping With the Enemy


It's 3 am on a Saturday night and you didn’t find love in a dark corner of the bar. It’s 2 pm on a Sunday and you’re bored. It's 7 pm on a Tuesday and your latest relationship has fallen apart. Maybe you’ve been single so long and just need to feel the weight of another person’s body on top of yours. Maybe you are dating someone new, but aren’t ready to take it to the next level. No matter the day, time or situation, sex with an ex is never a good idea.

You never know when the urge will strike, but for some it always unavoidably does. One lonely Friday evening, for no apparent reason at all, you’ll find yourself anxiously waiting by your phone after sending the ever elusive “what are you doing?” text to your ex.

Never mind the fact that just two months ago you asked this same person to stay out of your life for good. That the break up was hard. That feelings were hurt and mean words were spoken. All of that emotional baggage goes out the window for the few minutes or hours that it takes for your ex to arrive, timid as they walk back into your life, and your bedroom.

The conversation is awkward at first. Two parties who have spent a significant amount of time apart, coming back together for supposedly one night only. Do you lead them straight into your bedroom, as your libido so desperately wants to? Or do you do the “lets watch a movie” routine so that the sex doesn’t feel quite so cheapened? Why does watching the first twenty minutes of Mr. and Mrs. Smith even make you feel less dirty?

What do you talk about? Months apart can feel like a lifetime. What have they been up to? How’s that new job going? Small talk ensues that is not at all reflective of the relationship you shared. You know this person’s first dog’s name, their favorite morning cereal and their work schedule by heart, yet the conversation is reminiscent of two strangers sitting on a bench.

“Yea, this weather has been so depressing. So much rain,” you say.

Eventually both parties give up trying to pretend. All the words have been said or screamed. Months ago. Instead, you simply ask if they want to lay down on the couch. And you do. High School all over again. Knots in your stomach as their hand grazes your body. Then it happens, that commencing kiss and it’s all downhill from there. Any and all hatred for this person is masked by fleeting passion and you forget how much you used to hate the way they bit your lower lip when you kissed.

Regardless of whether you stay on the couch or somehow wander to your bedroom, penetration occurs. And it’s exactly what you wanted, needed, just an hour ago when you sent that text. The awkwardness of your ex’s arrival is gone and it’s just like old times again. There is no timidness as there might be if sleeping with a new boyfriend for the first time, or worse, a one nighter. The sex is exactly as it was before. And if it’s not, you will wonder where they learned that new move and who they have been sleeping with that actually enjoys their fresh talent, or lack thereof.

Then it’s over, just as fast as it all began. An array of questions begins to cloud your mind. How long do I have to lay here and cuddle? Do they think they are spending the night? Is it inappropriate to kick them out now? Do they still love me? Do I still love them?

Sometimes you voice those questions and sometimes you let them linger in your mind for days after your tryst. But it never ends there. Both parties will agree that the other night was great and that maybe they can continue having a random rendezvous for as long as both parties need each other, for as long as both parties are single or for as long as both parties continue not caring that they’re cheating on their new significant others.

But in reality, both parties are not just sleeping with an ex. They’re sleeping with the enemy and forgetting all the reasons they didn't make it as a couple. Old problems and issues are still prevalent and while it may seem like a good idea every now and again, too many of these trysts dilute the new relationships they could have or do already have.

The arrangment falls apart again. One party meets someone new and one party gets jealous. There will be a second break up reminiscent of the first. One will be accused of using the other. But that’s what you signed up for, right?

You’ll tell them you never want to see them again. That is until 3 months later, when a new relationship doesn’t work out and the whole cycle will repeat. It’s just sex you reason, and it’s better than none at all. But, sex with an ex is never just sex. In the end, just buy a vibrator. Because if you’re fucking your ex, you’re only fucking yourself.