Tuesday, May 17, 2011

5 Things You Should Know Before You Consider Dating Me

1. I am grossly close with my mother. I tell my her everything. And it will get annoying. Hell, I get annoyed. Those times I experimented with hallucinogenics? She knows. That time you cried during sex? She knows. Your ex girlfriend that I hate? She'll hate her too. We'll talk 9 times a day on the phone but when I go over my parent's house on Sundays (which we will do EVERY Sunday), you'll want her in your corner when faced with my brothers and father. So embrace her. Embrace the annoyance. When we leave and my entire family is trash talking what you look like, what you were wearing and your job, she'll be the one rooting for you.

And just an FYI- heaven forbid something happens to my father and my mother is left alone, she's moving in with us. Problem? You know where the door is, so beat it.

2. I am not cool. Looking for a bar star babe that knows everyone and hangs out at the most happening club, yea she's not me. If I'm not working, writing, working out or getting wrecked, I'm at home reading or watching something educational. I genuinely don't know why this is. I guess I just like learning. About anything. I saw every new episode of Star Wars at midnight when they came out. I don't have cable. I would rather go to the Pink Floyd laser show then go out clubbing. I have an odd obsession with Egypt. My mind is filled with useless historical information. Obviously my reputation doesn't mean shit to me. I'm a nerd. I embrace it. And if we're dating, you should too. Don't try and change me.

3. I am flakey. I am actually the flakiest person I know. To the point that I annoy myself. But I can't help it. I change my mind at the drop of a hat. I will change my mind over and over and over again. Not just about what my favorite restaurant is or where I want to go tonight. But major life plans too. I went to college as a Biology major and left with a Creative Writing degree. I wanted to study abroad, then I moved home. I find something I really love or that I really want to do and I just become consumed by it. Until I get bored or find something better. It's just what I do. On the plus side, I'm obviously super spontaneous. So that's fun, right?

4. Without a doubt, an ex will come up during our relationship. This happens in every relationship right? Yes. But with me, it's worse. I have a habit of recycling. Alot. What can I say? I don't like starting from scratch with people. It's too tedious. One or two will unquestionably appear from thin air while we're dating causing us to argue. And it's typically do or die. Said ex will make me pick him or you. Embrace the other four quirks of my personality and you're sure to have a better chance.

5. Grand romantic gestures are for the movies, not for me. Not to sound like a knock off Carrie Bradshaw, but too much romance makes me sick to my stomach and frequently gives me second hand embarrassment. Obnoxious displays of flora sent to my office are not going to make me putty in your hands, but cold and extremely pissed off that you publicized our relationship. A nice, thoughtful post-it on my planner is acceptable.

I don't know if I'm too smart for all the mushy stuff or just jaded, but I don't like it. Though I blog about my failed relationships very publically, I like to keep my successful private life... well, private. To me a relationship is what two people have, not what others think you have. If you go out of your way to surprise me at home with dinner and jewelry, I'm going to think you did something wrong that I don't know about. Relationships should be easy and neither party should have to prove their affection. Putting up with the above flaws is romance enough for me :)

*** Inspired by an essay on Thought Catalog. While tone gets lost in translation via text, this is obviously to be taken lightly.