Monday, August 22, 2011

I Once Went On a Date With a Guy Who....

1. was an admitted sex addict (I found this out after the fact)
2. cried when I wouldn't allow him to sleep over
3. cried for no reason at all while walking home from a date
4. was a drug dealer
5. was a drugg addict
6. talked jokingly about being gay non-stop
7. told me it was ok that he had a girlfriend because we hadn't figured out what our status was going to be
8. had a fiance that he lived with
9. was a male model who talked about his "jobs" the entire time. You can not call yourself a model when you pay photographers to photograph you...
10. broke up with me on a post-it (yes, that ACTUALLY happened to me and is not just a Sex and the City episode)
11. was a professional athlete
12. told me that his purpose in life was to spread his seed
13. said it was ok that he wasn't faithful to women because he was in the military and our country owed it to him
14. called me fat and proceeded to nonstop call and ask why I left our date early
15. I worked with. Obviously forcing me to quit when things didn't work out...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Myths of Pregnancy

As mentioned, I know not many of my readers are in a position to care or consider what it is like to be pregnant. However, I am writing this because, at some point, you will care and consider the following. And maybe with a little advice and forwarning, you will not be as surpirsed as I was:

Fact: As happy and glowing as I feel on the inside about my precious peanut, I am not glowing. I am actually paler than a ghost because I have not seen the sun or a tanning bed in months. Coincidently, I recently had a spray tan out of desperation and was told how beautiful I look while pregnant. No, actually it's this shade of orange that is accenting my stretching skin so swell.

Myth: Mood swings are controllable and pregnancy is the excuse women use for acting irrational.
Fact: Mood swings are an awful disease I wish I was not infected with. I was one of those women who criticized raging bitches for making up excuses. Now, I am just a hypocrit.

Myth: Everyone talks about and cares about your pregnancy.
Fact: No one cares you are pregnant. I realized this as I make it a point to tell everyone, even complete strangers that I am pregnant. I am pretty sure the cashier at Macy's just wanted me to sign my damn receipt instead of hearing about my growing belly.

Myth: No one cares that you are pregnant.
Fact: Everyone is talking about you being pregnant. In fact, you are the sun in the milky way of gossip. Just accept that you are going to be talked about behind your back (both positively and negatively) and enjoy your 9 months of fame.

Myth: Morning sickness occurs in the morning.
Fact: Morning sickness occurs morning, noon and night if you are unlucky.

Myth: You can maintain a normal life not revolving around baby while pregnant.
Fact: This might be just me, but the only things I care to discuss with friends and strangers is baby and boyfriend. Quite frankly, I am so excited that I don't care if others are annoyed. Don't talk to me if you don't want to hear about it.

Myth: Moms-to-be are eating for two.
Fact: You are not eating for two – now put down that tub of ice cream. You are only suppose to consume 300 more calories than a normal diet. You do not want to be asked, "when is your baby due," when the little pea is 10 months old.

Myth: Women lose their sex drive when pregnant.
Fact: This is so outrageously false that I don't have the time nor focus to discuss. Enjoy.

The Lion, the Bit*h and the Baby?

Recently, I have been asked by friends and family, “what now?” While that answer remains limitlessly complicated in terms of my growing family, thankfully those asking are usually referring to my blog content or lack thereof these days.

I briefly considered the idea of writing a maternity blog- as suggested by some. However, I recognize that might be boring for the majority of my readers, with the exception of my family and the few expectant mothers I know my age. Secondly and more relevantly, what the fuck do I know about being a mother? I’m a first timer and my precious love child has not yet arrived. Hell, I’ve never even babysat or changed a diaper! But fear not for my child – my mother said parenting will come naturally when the baby arrives.

Others have suggested I write about sex and relationships of an expectant mother. But, not only would that be too personal for me to write about, it would be offensive and a bit gross- a 34F chest size is sloppy, not sexy. I’m well aware of the fact that no one wants to hear about what it is like to be pregnant and horny/happy/moody/mopey/gasey etc. I will let you experience the joys of pregnancy for yourselves when the time comes.

Lastly, another friend mentioned that I should probably take a brief hiatus from the sex blog while pregnant, as such that it’s taboo and my tone and general attitude have changed. He explained that my honest and sarcastic outlook on life was what he liked most about my blog. At first, I agreed with him and decided to focus on my first passion, short story fiction writing, until I was no longer growing another human being in my belly. In a way my friend was right, my personal feelings on life and love have changed. But as I told my grandmother when she asked if my stilettos were too high to wear while pregnant, I responded, “just because I’m pregnant, doesn’t mean I’m not still me.”

So while I have simultaneously been knocked off my feet in love and knocked up, I still believe that most men and women are idiots. I still observe sleaze ball men in my day to day life. I still have to listen to women who love and/or complain about those men. I still get offensively hit on, and I still have highly entertaining friends in and out of relationships that I get to watch and listen to with love and disgust.

So I’m going to continue blogging. Thank god for my friends whose sex and love lives give me endless content (I hope that’s alright). And with the exception of Myths Of Pregnancy that I have discovered and deem appropriate to inform readers of so they are not caught off guard as I was, I promise to keep the baby talk to a minimum. Now back to sex, love and relationships... LOOK LITTLE BABE- MOM WAS COOOl!