Friday, September 9, 2011

Old Habits Die Hard - Old Boyfriends Die Harder

That’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life. -Chuck Palahniuk

There is a transitional period when one goes from being somewhat single and texting/talking with an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend out of boredom and/or convenience to being in a new relationship and only talking/texting to new boyfriend/girlfriend. You know what I’m talking about. You and your new soul mate will be lying in bed cuddling when your cell phone vibrates at 1 am and panic suddenly hits, “which of my previous lovers does not yet know I am in a relationship?” you think to yourself. When you should really be asking, "which of my previous lovers recently found out I am in a new relationship?"

It seems to be the norm (at least for me and many others I know) to have ex-lovers come out of the wood work as soon as they find out I'm happy. And the only question I can ask is, why? A normal, rational human being would think "hey, it's probably time to move on," when seeing their ex is in a happy, loving relationship. I mean posting "in a relationship" on Facebook, moving in together, and/or having a baby together should pretty much solidify that said person has moved on and it’s time for the ex to do the same. So why is it, as soon as ex finds out you are happy does ex start pursuing in a way they never had even when you were single?

We all know, it’s all about “the chase.” But what I don’t understand is what makes ex-boyfriend/girlfriend think that you will be all too happy to drop new perfect lover, just because they send you flowers, or for the lazier and more prevalent display of lost love, call and say they miss you? What has changed about you that has made them change the way Ex feels about you, other than seeing or hearing you are happy with someone else?

The answer is nothing. Nothing has changed except that you are happy and said Ex is not. Therefore, Ex will re-run all of the happy times in their head. That time you had a picnic in the park, the time they surprised you with a candlelit dinner or the first time they said “I love you.” What they will not re-run in their head are the bad times. The time you drove home in silence after fighting during that picnic in the part, the time they prepared a candlelit dinner to make up for not calling you for a week straight or the time they said “I love you,” to prove same after cheating on you. I don’t feel bad for Ex and nor should you. You realized things were over and now they too need to open their eyes. They are masochists and even more so narcissuses.

And it seems, the more one tells ex-boyfriend/girlfriend they have moved on, the more they persist. Like it’s unheard of that you don’t want to hear what they have to say. What ex-boyfriend/girlfriend needs to realize is that a- it’s annoying and b-things with new boyfriend/girlfriend are going so well because they are all the things ex never was.

So what can one do? Ex is trying to sabotage your new relationship and new perfect boyfriend/girlfriend is decently and expectedly annoyed at the relentless vibrating phone. You could change your number I presume, however, that seems a bit drastic. My advice would be to ride it out. One day, sooner rather than later, Ex will realize you have moved on and all the harassing won’t change that. They’ll see you from across the room one day, paying no attention to their presence and realize you’re happy. They will undoubtedly continue to stalk you and your Facebook photos like some sick drug addiction, critiquing and dissecting new lover, all the while baring a knife in the heart at the sight of each kissing photo, but eventually, they’ll find a one nighter, or hopefully something more and move the hell on. All I know is whatever you do to get over me, just don’t call me.