Friday, September 16, 2011

Five Things to Turn Him Off

After recently documenting the guy’s girl phenomenon, I became aware of another equally annoying fad: women who attempt to behave as ill-mannered reality stars and celebs that are famous for no reason. However, this trend is sure to drive men away.

There is a fine line between subtly changing certain habits that may irritate the opposite sex and changing who you are as a whole to make someone like you, specifically when those changes are for the worst. As such, here are a list of five moves (as seen on TV) that will positively turn him off.

1. Speaking like Cher from Clueless (or any other clueless adult woman): Paris Hilton was so 2004. Grow up. As her English grammar dies, so too does her fame. I am unsure why women find it cute to dumb down and baby talk. I am questioning even baby talking to my actual baby, let alone speaking to another human being whose IQ is greater than zero like that. While men do enjoy women who act like their mother, they want you to act as their mother did when they were 20. Making them dinner, cleaning up after them and catering to them in every way possible. Not their mother when they were 2, ew-ing and aw-ing at their sweet little boy.

Studies have shown that girls advance faster than boys and as such, achieve higher grades throughout their education. Why revert back once we have graduated? Please, for the sake of all womanity, stop.

2. Talking incessantly about others: If you cannot come up with a more interesting topic of conversation than how you heard Sarah used to cheat on her ex, ex boyfriend, you are boring. Plain and simple. The incessant need to speak negatively about others (be it friends or enemies) just makes you look insecure. And more importantly, your boyfriend or potential boyfriend doesn’t give a shit. Not only will he be annoyed at the constant gossip spewing out of your mouth, he will begin to question your character.

3. Emasculating him: This obviously need not apply if you are dating a metro sexual . However, discussing Gossip Girl with him and making him shop with you against his will is not going to make him love you more. It’s going to make him push you away. He knows you’re a woman, the boobs were a bit of a giveaway, now don’t rub it in your face. But he’s a man, and he’d like to keep it that way otherwise he’d probably be involved in something other than a heterosexual relationship. A little mystery is good for a relationship, no need to include him on every part of your womanly life. Do you really want him to know when you’re going number 2? No, I didn’t think so. Your boyfriend is not your personal shopper, he is not an accessory. Get yourself a miniature poodle if you feel the need for womanly companionship.

4. Getting slam-hammered slopped up: Most men would agree that they love a woman who can throw back a beer or two with her man. However, this does not mean keeping up with a man in a drinking environment. Finishing a case may equate a good time for him, but it will inevitably end in a hospital visit for you. There is a vast difference between your man enjoying you getting tipsy and becoming a little affection than getting drunk and becoming irrational and/or just plain slutty.

5. Bad manicures: Maybe these just piss me off, and not so much men. But trashy long white tips are just that- trash. I will admit that I succumbed to this awful fetish of the nail back in the day, but I have come to my senses. These white long tips do not state “polished French manicure,” but Snookie and unpolished Jersey whores. Equally as bad are chipped polished nails. Your attempt to paint your nails is noted, however, you now look like a five year old. No man wants his woman gently stroking his arm with cracked neon pink polish, or any other body part at that. My brother once told me, “first I look at the girl, then I look at her girls. If the polish doesn’t stick, neither do I.”

Friday, September 9, 2011

Old Habits Die Hard - Old Boyfriends Die Harder

That’s the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life. -Chuck Palahniuk

There is a transitional period when one goes from being somewhat single and texting/talking with an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend out of boredom and/or convenience to being in a new relationship and only talking/texting to new boyfriend/girlfriend. You know what I’m talking about. You and your new soul mate will be lying in bed cuddling when your cell phone vibrates at 1 am and panic suddenly hits, “which of my previous lovers does not yet know I am in a relationship?” you think to yourself. When you should really be asking, "which of my previous lovers recently found out I am in a new relationship?"

It seems to be the norm (at least for me and many others I know) to have ex-lovers come out of the wood work as soon as they find out I'm happy. And the only question I can ask is, why? A normal, rational human being would think "hey, it's probably time to move on," when seeing their ex is in a happy, loving relationship. I mean posting "in a relationship" on Facebook, moving in together, and/or having a baby together should pretty much solidify that said person has moved on and it’s time for the ex to do the same. So why is it, as soon as ex finds out you are happy does ex start pursuing in a way they never had even when you were single?

We all know, it’s all about “the chase.” But what I don’t understand is what makes ex-boyfriend/girlfriend think that you will be all too happy to drop new perfect lover, just because they send you flowers, or for the lazier and more prevalent display of lost love, call and say they miss you? What has changed about you that has made them change the way Ex feels about you, other than seeing or hearing you are happy with someone else?

The answer is nothing. Nothing has changed except that you are happy and said Ex is not. Therefore, Ex will re-run all of the happy times in their head. That time you had a picnic in the park, the time they surprised you with a candlelit dinner or the first time they said “I love you.” What they will not re-run in their head are the bad times. The time you drove home in silence after fighting during that picnic in the part, the time they prepared a candlelit dinner to make up for not calling you for a week straight or the time they said “I love you,” to prove same after cheating on you. I don’t feel bad for Ex and nor should you. You realized things were over and now they too need to open their eyes. They are masochists and even more so narcissuses.

And it seems, the more one tells ex-boyfriend/girlfriend they have moved on, the more they persist. Like it’s unheard of that you don’t want to hear what they have to say. What ex-boyfriend/girlfriend needs to realize is that a- it’s annoying and b-things with new boyfriend/girlfriend are going so well because they are all the things ex never was.

So what can one do? Ex is trying to sabotage your new relationship and new perfect boyfriend/girlfriend is decently and expectedly annoyed at the relentless vibrating phone. You could change your number I presume, however, that seems a bit drastic. My advice would be to ride it out. One day, sooner rather than later, Ex will realize you have moved on and all the harassing won’t change that. They’ll see you from across the room one day, paying no attention to their presence and realize you’re happy. They will undoubtedly continue to stalk you and your Facebook photos like some sick drug addiction, critiquing and dissecting new lover, all the while baring a knife in the heart at the sight of each kissing photo, but eventually, they’ll find a one nighter, or hopefully something more and move the hell on. All I know is whatever you do to get over me, just don’t call me.