Friday, September 16, 2011

Five Things to Turn Him Off

After recently documenting the guy’s girl phenomenon, I became aware of another equally annoying fad: women who attempt to behave as ill-mannered reality stars and celebs that are famous for no reason. However, this trend is sure to drive men away.

There is a fine line between subtly changing certain habits that may irritate the opposite sex and changing who you are as a whole to make someone like you, specifically when those changes are for the worst. As such, here are a list of five moves (as seen on TV) that will positively turn him off.

1. Speaking like Cher from Clueless (or any other clueless adult woman): Paris Hilton was so 2004. Grow up. As her English grammar dies, so too does her fame. I am unsure why women find it cute to dumb down and baby talk. I am questioning even baby talking to my actual baby, let alone speaking to another human being whose IQ is greater than zero like that. While men do enjoy women who act like their mother, they want you to act as their mother did when they were 20. Making them dinner, cleaning up after them and catering to them in every way possible. Not their mother when they were 2, ew-ing and aw-ing at their sweet little boy.

Studies have shown that girls advance faster than boys and as such, achieve higher grades throughout their education. Why revert back once we have graduated? Please, for the sake of all womanity, stop.

2. Talking incessantly about others: If you cannot come up with a more interesting topic of conversation than how you heard Sarah used to cheat on her ex, ex boyfriend, you are boring. Plain and simple. The incessant need to speak negatively about others (be it friends or enemies) just makes you look insecure. And more importantly, your boyfriend or potential boyfriend doesn’t give a shit. Not only will he be annoyed at the constant gossip spewing out of your mouth, he will begin to question your character.

3. Emasculating him: This obviously need not apply if you are dating a metro sexual . However, discussing Gossip Girl with him and making him shop with you against his will is not going to make him love you more. It’s going to make him push you away. He knows you’re a woman, the boobs were a bit of a giveaway, now don’t rub it in your face. But he’s a man, and he’d like to keep it that way otherwise he’d probably be involved in something other than a heterosexual relationship. A little mystery is good for a relationship, no need to include him on every part of your womanly life. Do you really want him to know when you’re going number 2? No, I didn’t think so. Your boyfriend is not your personal shopper, he is not an accessory. Get yourself a miniature poodle if you feel the need for womanly companionship.

4. Getting slam-hammered slopped up: Most men would agree that they love a woman who can throw back a beer or two with her man. However, this does not mean keeping up with a man in a drinking environment. Finishing a case may equate a good time for him, but it will inevitably end in a hospital visit for you. There is a vast difference between your man enjoying you getting tipsy and becoming a little affection than getting drunk and becoming irrational and/or just plain slutty.

5. Bad manicures: Maybe these just piss me off, and not so much men. But trashy long white tips are just that- trash. I will admit that I succumbed to this awful fetish of the nail back in the day, but I have come to my senses. These white long tips do not state “polished French manicure,” but Snookie and unpolished Jersey whores. Equally as bad are chipped polished nails. Your attempt to paint your nails is noted, however, you now look like a five year old. No man wants his woman gently stroking his arm with cracked neon pink polish, or any other body part at that. My brother once told me, “first I look at the girl, then I look at her girls. If the polish doesn’t stick, neither do I.”