Thursday, February 16, 2012
So here we are, 7 months since my last pregnancy blog and 3 months since my last entry. Life has certainly changed. And while I had promised to continue writing with some regularity, life has once again interfered with life plans. I should probably just do as my fiance says and not have a plan (or birth plan) because I'm only setting myself up for disappointment when things don't go as planned.
With what little downtime I have had at home, I was recently catching up with friends and blogs online. I was about to x-out of my old favorite website, Thought Catalog (for those of you not familiar, it's a website of blogs submitted by writers such as myself about anything and everything relevant and prevalent to mid-20 somethings). I was becoming quite bored with the website as I noticed most of the recent entries I had missed while birthing and raising my son were regarding binge drinking, dating, going out, and other activities that I'm pretty much completely out of the loop and uninterested in when I came across a writer who is apparently my age and currently unintentionally pregnant.
Obviously this writer peeked my interest and I immediately started reading every blog she had posted to the site. While I must admit that I feel her tone is a little too raw and cynical, it was refreshing to read an accurate honest depiction of what it means to become pregnant, intentionally or unintentionally so. The writer does not describe the butterflies and sugar coated bliss of becoming sperminated, but the conflict that many women my age feel. While I am and was overjoyed at the news of my son, I was also concerned with how I would negotiate who I was and who I was about to become. For me, it was important to maintain my sense of self and identity, while also adding "mom" to the many roles I have.
Prior to becoming a mother, I had hopes and dreams for my career as a writer and travel plans that no longer coincide with my new self. While in a perfect world the "modern woman" can do it all, a bit of yourself changes when you become completely responsible for another human being, and life plans inadvertently change as well. While I would never for any amount of money change having my son or starting a family, it is somewhat difficult and confusing to accept these changes because they happen so subtly regardless if you want them to or not. Is this necessilarly good or bad? No. But it's a reality that is rarely discussed.
Women my age who become mothers loss old friends, gain new ones and have major changes in hobbies and interests. Things I once found funny are no longer (Kat Williams stand up), things I never thought twice about are now disected and judged (MTV morning music videos), my idea of fun has changed, the things I care about have altered and I am no longer the person I was.
In retrospect these things are not so important, but it doesn't make it any less hard to realize that ultimately people I once had strong connections with have grown weakened or finding no joy in things I once so greatly loved. The trade off (my son and the love I have for him) far outweighs these losses but sometimes I just want to voice my frustrations out loud without feeling and looking like a terrible parent. The reality I know and read from the ThoughtCatalog writer is that many women feel this way and shouldn't be judged for same.
So there it is, my mom update. I will try and find some medium that can interest parents and non-parents in the meantime..